Once upon a time, a long time ago...

Once upon a time, a long time ago...
I worked at Canadian Tire. I was a fifteen year old, high school student trying to save some money for college. Now as an adult, I still frequent the same store and though much of it has changed one thing has remained the same. The lollipops. Not those dinky little suckers, the big round lollipops. They have always stood in there little wooden trees right on the counter beside the cash register; much to the dismay of mothers everywhere. I remember that every kid would ask for one, every single kid. Most of the parents said no and left it at that. Although if it was just the dad with kids there was a good chance he would give in. Every once in a while there would be those moms that would let there kids have the sugar-filled, cavity inducing, candies. These were my favourite families! The kids would be so happy, usually polite, and the parents were so kind. For some reason these families were #familygoals to me. Maybe it’s because my mom really didn’t give in when we begged for these kinds of things. (As an adult I totally understand her reasoning.) Anyway I remember thinking that one day when I became a mom I would be the kind of mom that bought her kids lollipops.

I did it too! For a long time, pretty much since Isaac has been big enough to ask, I bought the lollipops. Dollar store, Canadian tire, Walmart, it didn’t matter. When we had to run errands the kids got a treat most of the time. I always felt so lucky to be able to indulge them in these silly ninety nine cent candies. It seemed like such a luxury to me to be able to do this for my kids.

Today we had to go to Canadian Tire, it was one of the first times we have taken Isaac to the store since he started the ketogenic diet. He did really well all the way to the end. We got to the cash register and he spotted the lollipops. He was so sweet and polite about asking for one. He even asked Zoey what colour she wanted. I was so tempted to give in to my sweet, adorable, polite little boy but I knew I couldn’t. He hasn’t had a big seizure in two weeks (little seizures still appear unchanged)! I really want keto to work and I have to give it a fair chance. I denied my child his precious treat and immediately it caused a meltdown. Both children were crying, begging for the candies, not even screaming, just pleading ever so politely through the tears. We gathered the kids, our purchase, and the diaper bag and tried to get out of the store. I made it through the first set of doors and held myself together. It was right before the second set of doors that a lady was handing out candies. She started to approach us and I shook my head at her, fast enough to shut her down before the kids noticed her. This is when I felt the hot tears prick at my eyes.

We got to the car and Isaac was stilled crying. I felt like such a mean mommy. I settled him in the car and tried to explain to him why he couldn’t have the lollipop and promised him the candy mommy made instead. He was still so sad and I knew he really didn’t understand.

It was all ok in the end, we made it up to him with a trip to the pet store and some plastic dinosaurs we found at the dollar store.

Shadows in the dark

I sat beside your bed today. I read you story after story. I held your hand and prayed with you and tucked you in so tight. You asked me not to leave your side, you told me you were scared. I thought you were just being silly, a phase like toddlers have. I thought you were imagining monsters under your bed, seeing shadows in the dark. I didn't know your demons were real. I had no idea the fear you felt each time you tried to sleep.

Each time they came, I saw it. I saw the fear in your eyes as it disrupted your brain. I felt your pain, my love. Second after second. Minute after minute. The time crept by, and after each I held my breath, hoping there would be no more that you might find sleep at last. There was always another just waiting in the shadows.

I didn't know how bad it's gotten. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could hold you tight and take away the fear. I wish I could take all your pain and help you more my dear. For now I will just sit by your bed and hold your hand. We will keep praying with all our might. I'll stroke your brow and rub your feet. I will keep you safe. Together we will fight the shadows in the dark.