Pity Party for One

I am throwing myself a pity party. It is epic and long... since last night I have been drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine, a package of liquorice, and a king sized chocolate bar. I spent most of the night bouncing between the bathtub full of any bubble bath I could get my hands on and the glider in the babies room while she screamed about teething. This morning I woke up and really truly did not think I had it in me to venture out of the warm, snuggly, caress of my bed. I thought just maybe if I squeezed my eyes tight enough and ignored the dog's whining for long enough I would get back to sleep. No such luck, my gremlins were waking up and dying to be released from their torture chambers (bedrooms). I pulled myself from the warm embrace of my heavenly blankets and got on with the morning ritual of changing diapers/pull-ups, digging through laundry piles, and forcing tiny monsters to brush their sharp little fangs. I threw some breakfast at them and attempted to push the new poison (epilepsy medication) down the toddler's throat. After thirty minutes of all out war and three bowls of cereal on the floor I locked myself in the bathroom and pretended I could not hear the crashes of every toy being pulled of the shelf. I thought that maybe at this point I should pick myself up and attempt to look human so my bad mood / shitty attitude wouldn't wear off on the kids. I tried on four different outfits and was beyond dismayed at how they fit (all the stress eating has turned my former oompa loompa like shape into that of Violet Beauregarde in the blueberry scene.) After finally giving in and pulling out the most potato sack like shirt I could find I scrubbed my face, brushed my teeth, and attempted to run a brush through the tangled rats nest on my head. Somehow I had gotten toothpaste on my hand and it ended up all over my hair, whatever it must act as either a dry shampoo or a leave in conditioner, right? Maybe it will be like that sun in stuff we all used in the 90's to make our hair that lovely sun-kissed (hahaha read disgusting) summery shade.

Alright well we are all dressed and kind of human looking now, I guess it is time to leave the house and interact with society. We can pretend we are normal for a couple hours. I think I will stop for some much needed caffeine on the way. I love my starbucks barista and I am sure that the $5 latte will solve all of my problems. At least that is what I will tell myself for the 30 minute drive into civilization (the city.)