So I am currently facing a dilemma. It is one that many working parents face, especially if they have a child with special needs. I have developed a reputation of being unreliable at work and as a result I am not getting shifts. I understand from my colleagues perspective the frustration of being left short staffed, they are over worked and under appreciate. I know that they need to be able to count on people to show up, take over, and relieve them for the few hours of respite between shifts. Honestly though I am really angry right now. I feel betrayed. I feel boxed out, and I feel stabbed in the back.
When I started my job I was so excited to be there, and every time I go to work I feel the same way. I am lucky enough to have a job I love! Sure there are crappy moments, but the good moments... OH MY GOD they are AMAZING!! Those moments of watching a baby get better, the first time a baby can do skin to skin, the first moment parents get to see their baby with no wire, the first successful time a baby latches, the first bath, the first cry, of seeing a mom bond for the first time... I can not express the joy, the love, and the passion I feel.
I am sick to my stomach at the thought of losing this job. It is the dream I never knew I had until I stepped into the NICU but my family will always come first. Any parent can tell you that part. Somehow in spite of the hours I have put in, the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice I have given I am being boxed out. I have worked double shifts, short shifted for straight time, come early, stayed late, missed breaks, gone entire shifts without taking a minute to pee. I know I am not the only one who does this, in fact most of my colleagues due, it is part of what makes the bonds of nursing staff so strong. Now I need help, I need compassion, I need understanding. I know it is so frustrating when my name comes up on the list and they wonder if I am coming. I know it is upsetting when once again I call and say I am not coming at the last minute. If you think it doesn't kill me to make that call, if you think I do not realize the impact this has on my patients and on my coworkers, if you think I would rather be missing work to do what I am doing you are wrong. That phone call is being made out of literal desperation. I am actually sitting on the floor with my unconscious toddler, watching him turn blue. I am counting respirations, checking his pulse, delivering a rescue medication, removing hazards from around his head, and making sure he does not aspirate the foam and blood that comes from his mouth. I count the seconds, I watch the clock, and I hold my breath waiting to see if the rescue med will work. Will the seizures stop? Will he keep breathing? Should I call the ambulance? Is this the time he isn't going to make it?
Yep I am unreliable, I am not a good coworker, I am not a good friend. I am a GREAT mom! I hope you can understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment