The other woman

I posted a little while ago about our search for a nanny, well we are lucky enough to have found one. So far I adore her! She thinks nothing of tidying the house or throwing on a load of laundry. She takes the kids outside everyday. She comes in last minute when I call her and say I'd like to pick up a shift. The kids love her, the dog loves her, and we love her. This isn't even the best part... I've trained her for post seizure care, seizure first aid, and how to give Isaac his medications. I'd still like to have her go through an official course done by the epilepsy foundation but for now I'm ok with training her myself (I am a nurse who works with seizure kids on a frequent basis so I know what I am doing.)

This week marked a major milestone for Isaac and I. He has a seizure, it was early morning when he was first waking up. He was upset and scared afterwords, plus his tongue hurt from  being bitten during the seizure. I have never left him after a seizure, he is always so scared and wants mama snuggles after. I can not describe the feelings I have when he seizes, my mama heart breaks, it rips into a million tiny pieces. Watching this sweet, outgoing, adventures boy be reduced to a tiny quivering ball of tears is the heart wrenching, soul shattering, and completely devastating. This week though I felt that it was time, I know this is something we are going to battle for the rest of our lives and even though I am so not ready I need to find a way. So I left, I went to work. I put in my 8 hours and I came home. The nanny did wonderfully, she cared for him perfectly, and he was safe and ok. I can't lie though it was the longest, hardest shift of my life. I love my job, if I'm in the NICU, on the burns and plastics ward, assigned to the trauma unit, or wherever else I am always stoked to be there. I pour 110% of myself into caring for other people's children. This shift was no different I gave my all, but this time I hated being there. I was thinking of my baby the entire time and all I wanted was to be home rubbing his head with his blanket and reading stories to him.

I found the strength this time... honestly I don't know if I ever will again.